Flat White Flags: The Dating Game and the Battle of Being ‘Just Right’

☕ The Espresso Shot of Truth

It all started, as it usually does, outside the little yellow coffee van. A crisp morning, banter flying, caffeine in hand, as Andy says, “A Namby pamby southern softie coffee” (1 shot), before J — a part-time philosopher, full-time serial swiper, pipes up, “Mate, you ever noticed that in dating, you’re either not enough or too much?” They nod, like old men round a domino table, except we’re mostly under 55 and at least two of us are still actively navigating the Wild West of dating apps, battling bios and filter frauds daily.

☕ Ghosted Over a Latte

I shared how one woman told me I was too distant, didn’t text enough, wasn’t engaging. So I learned. Grew. Took notes. On the next swipe, I upped my game, thoughtful messages, double texts (yes, I know), even threw in a “just checking in x.” The response? “You’re lovely, but a bit full on for me.” Cheers, love. I was just trying not to repeat my past mistakes, not propose over mozzarella sticks at the Gatto Lounge.

If we even made it there. Because that date? It involved a car mishap, my tyre decided to dramatically blow out, which meant our brunch plans were swapped for a lukewarm roadside coffee in the car. Romantic, in a sort of “budget rom-com meets AA roadside assistance” kind of way. She laughed at the time. I thought I’d pulled it back. But apparently, enthusiasm + effort + punctured tyre = clingy.

☕ The Brew-mate Zone

“So where is this magical middle ground?” J asks, eyebrows furrowed like he’s solving quantum dating mechanics. You’re supposed to be mysterious but also emotionally available, confident but vulnerable, funny but not trying too hard. We all joked it’s like trying to make the perfect cuppa for someone who can’t decide if they want oat, almond, full (on) fat or just normal milk, thanks, and even then, “normal” changes week to week.

Then they complain it’s not to their liking, even though they said, “I’ll have it as it comes!” We’re out here making emotional flat whites for people who think they want an espresso, but really fancy a caramel frappe, just without the calories, the commitment, or the communication.

☕ Filter or Fumble?

The middle-aged men around the van reckoned dating used to be easier when you met in the real world. Stating it like it was yesterday, even though some of them can barely remember what they did last week.

“Back then, if you fancied someone, you told them. You asked them out!” A says, arms folded like it’s gospel. “Now you’ve got to analyse their filter usage on dating apps and decipher emojis like they are ancient runes,” he added.

“If you think that’s bad, don’t even start on soft-launching a relationship on Insta,” says J, shaking his head. “It’s like a stepping stone from the dating app to a telephone number, like it’s a set of lottery winning numbers.”

“It’s not dating anymore, it’s digital PR.”

“Book me a photoshoot!” quips T, sipping his cortado like a married man who knows it all .

☕ Caffeine, Confusion, Connection

Look, I know I’m the common denominator in these dating misses… or near misses. But striking the right balance is tough. We’re all just trying to show interest, demonstrate “emotional intelligence,” and spark something meaningful, without getting a restraining order… or, worse, left on read.

And in a world where everyone’s allegedly “so busy,” yet still finds time to check WhatsApp every five seconds, the rules have never been murkier. We don’t want to be the guy who’s too keen, nor the ghoster. We just want a shot, no pun intended, at real connection. Is that too much to espresso?

☕ Latte Lessons

So maybe the lesson isn’t to be more distant or more attentive. Maybe it’s just… finding someone who likes their coffee, and their connections, the way you naturally brew them. Someone who gets that your good morning text or an occasional overshare isn’t a red flag.

And that your silence doesn’t mean you’re emotionally constipated  it just means you’re busy and that you’re genuinely interested, trying to build something real, with a bit of transparency and care. Not everyone’s fluent in “cool and detached.” Some of us are out here sending memes and voice notes because we like you, not because we want to name our future cat.

☕ Takeaway Cup of Wisdom

As always, we left the van with a coffee and completely unsolved problems. But maybe that’s the joy of it… trying, putting yourself out there, messing up, laughing about your cringe-worthy mistakes, and living to flirt another day.

And who knows? Maybe one day, you’ll meet someone who likes your particular blend. Someone who swipes right not on your filters, your emoji combinations, or your frothy banter… but on your substance. Until then, don’t overthink the froth that tops the dating world we live in.